I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
