I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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