I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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