I feel great
I just peed on a car
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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