Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
