i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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