I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
