ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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