When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
