i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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