It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
