im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize