I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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