The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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