This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
