There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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