I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
