I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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