Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
