I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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