My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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