just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
