then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
