It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
