4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
