Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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