Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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