I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize