I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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