I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
