Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
