Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
