I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
