Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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