1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
