this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
