I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
17 year olds will be the death of me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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