I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
