True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
