This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize