Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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