u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
