that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
