I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
