it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
