Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
