Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
