somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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