The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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