FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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