i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
