I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
