I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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