This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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