This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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