I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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