I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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