You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
