good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
