you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
