textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
