pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
